Live life "Islamically"!

Read these so that you would live your life "Islamically"...

http://www.islam.tc/cgi-bin/askimam/cat.pl?c=Worldly+Possessions

Some excepts....

Say goodbye to TV!:
http://islam.tc/ask-imam/view.php?q=8602

Q: Under Islam, TV is not condoned. What are the thoughts on watching the
Al-Jazeera network broadcasts, since it is a Muslim station?

A: TV of any network broadcast is not permissible. That includes al-Jazeera
TV.
and Allah Ta'ala Knows Best

Mufti Ebrahim Desai

HEHEHAHAHAHA! DVD, Boss DVD! :
http://islam.tc/ask-imam/view.php?q=9911

Q: There is no copyright law in my country. Is it permissible for us to use
pirated softwares, as they are widely available throught the country and our
goverment doesn't have any objection on it. Further can we download evaluation versions and then crack them ? (emphasis mine -Japtman)

A:
1. It is permissible to use pirated software but morally incorrect from an
Islamic point of view.
2. Could you be more specific with your second query? Also what is the need
to crack them? (Hahaha!)

and Allah Ta'ala Knows Best

Mufti Muhammad Kadwa FATWA DEPT.

CHECKED AND APPROVED: Mufti Ebrahim Desai

THIS IS THE KICKER!!!!
http://islam.tc/ask-imam/view.php?q=7168

Q: I am a male who collects panties. Is this haram?
I am a single man
who collects panties. I don't wear them, but I buy new ones for the collection.
Is this fetish of mine haram?

A: The practice is absolutely Haraam. If you have desires for women then
you should get married. The collection of panties to give vent to your desires
is unnatural and a major sin. You should abstain from such a practice.

and Allah Ta'ala Knows Best

Mufti Ebrahim Desai

HAHAHAHAHA! WHOEVER HE IS, I LOVE THAT JOKER!!!!!

To BLASPHEME is A RIGHT!

"Not a day passes, in Europe and elsewhere, when radical imams aren't preaching hatred in their mosques. They call Jews and Christians inferior, and we say they're just exercising their freedom of speech. When will the Europeans realize that the Islamists don't allow their critics the same right? After the West prostrates itself, they'll be more than happy to say that Allah has made the infidels spineless." - Hirsi Ali “The protests in the Middle East have proven that the cartoonist was right,” said Tarek Fatah, a director of the Muslim Canadian Congress. “It's falling straight into that trap of being depicted as a violent people and proving the point that, yes, we are.” - Globe and Mail

I HAVE THE RIGHT TO CRITICIZE AND BLASPHEME TO MY HEART'S CONTENT AS YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO PROCLAIM "FREEDOM GO TO HELL". HOW IRONIC IS IT THAT THE MAN DEPICTED BELOW IS PROTECTED BY THE VERY FREEDOMS HE SO ABHORS.

DOES HE KNOW THAT ISLAM IS THE RELIGION OF PEACE?

I WONDER... WOULD I BE ACCORDED THE SAME RIGHT IF I WERE IN PALESTINE, IRAN OR INDONESIA AND I CARRIED THE "SUPPORT DENMARK" SIGN ABOVE? RIGHT SCHRIGHT... I'D BE HANGED OUTRIGHT.

THIS TRULY IS A DANGEROUS TIME...

Isturyang kataw-anan

For those who do not know the Noble Tongue of the South, kalu-oy pud nimo dong... pauli ug kaon dukut. Maski unsaon, mas kataw-anan jud ang jok nga Bisaya...


Jeep puno kaayo ug karga na-flat ang ligid.
Lalaki ngadto sa drayber: Noy, flat lagi na imong ligid!
Drayber: natural ra na dong, bug-at gud ug karga. Flat gani nang imong ilong nga kugmo ray gidala!

***************

Teacher : Class use euthanasia in a sentence.

Jose : Mam si Maria dili na virgin kay naeuthan na sia

***************

I thought im sad until i saw a man without both arms shaking his shoulders happily. I asked why he's happy. He replied "Dili ko hapi! Katol akong itlog dili nako makalot!

***************

Pasyente: Dok, ngano man ni nga kong malibang ko naa may plima?
Doktor:Ok lang na sya. Ang delikado kong inig sikma nimo naay tae!

***************

GF: Lab, gutom ko
BF: unsa man imo gusto?
GF: tagnaa!
BF:burger?
GF: layo ra!
BF: hotdog?
GF: duol na!
BF: itlog?
GF: hapit na!
BF: otan?
GF: makalagot! wrong spelling!

***************

Manag-uyab nagkuyog sulod sa sinehan.
babaye: Lab, lihok kaayo akong tapad.
lalaki: ah...pasagdahi lang na.
babaye: pero lab, murag nag l*-** man ni siya.
lalaki: hah? balhin tag lingkod.
babaye: kadali lang lab, gigamit pa ako kamot!

***************

Anak: Nay, nay, gidugo na lagi ko o.
Inahan: Aber, unsa may kolor kuno.
Anak: Mora man ug brown Nay?
Inahan: Uy paghilom kang bayota ka. Hala panghugas kay igit na.

***************

Pedro: Ma si Ate gigakos iyang uyab!
Mama: Ok ra na dong oy!
Pedro: gikissan ma!
Mama: Ok ra gihapon na.
Pedro: gi komot toot ma!
Mama: Ok ra lagi na.
Pedro: hala! gi fing** ma!
Mama: Piste! naay ots dili gamiton!

***************

Wife: Paliti kog bra ga bi.
Bana: Ka gamay nimog toot mag bra paka?
Wife: ikaw lagi magbrief gamay man kag ots!?

***************

GF: Sweet, nganong lami kaman modala, mora ug may bulitas ang imong kuan?
BF: Dili man ni bulitas Day oy!
GF: Unsa man diay na?
BF: Kalunggo!

***************

Rapist: Hala cge Hubo..!!!!
Babaye: Dili ko! kay gi Minst ko..!!
Rapist: Hala Talikod..!!
Babaye: Ayaw malooy ka.!!!.... gi almoranas ko..
Rapist: Litse....hala nganga ayaw ko ingna na gi tonsil ka..!!!

***************

Duha ka langaw nagtung2x babaw sa tae

Langaw1: Taysa kadali ngutot sa ko! uh! dah!

Langaw2: Oplok jud!.. Pagka way batasan! kita na siyang nanga-on pata! Amaw!

***************

LALAKE: Miss, papalita ko ug condom.
TINDERA: Ali dong, atong isukod.
LALAKE: Miss, nganong lu-ag man ni?
TINDERA: Wa diay ka kahibaw mao nay uso karon? HIPHOP!

***************

Asawa: Labs dili man masulod ang imoha. Butangi ug oil.
Bana: Wala may Oil day, kini nalang tuno sa lubi.
Asawa: Karon pako maka tilaw ug o**n nga tinuno-an

***************

American Diplomat Scolding his Boholana maid:
AMERICAN: You "IDIOT"!
MAID: Adjawg saba sir, unja na ta inig lakaw ni maam mag IDJOT!

GHAK GHAK GHAK GHAK!!!

We Repiar

...also repiar Er Con, Electrect & Gas Stoob.


Viva B-Boy Alulod!

Not2x!! Inom taaaa!!!

...and get piss assed drunkkk!!!

Online Bullshit #17: Assorted Bullshit

Got one for human kids?


Romantic Fly-boy.


This is an ad with a subliminal message. See if you can spot what is it (it isn't just the suggestive slogan, Laid by the Best)...






See it?






Look at it upside-down....

Now you get it...

For the finale, another ticket to hell...

A Compendium of Homer-isms

• Operator, give me the number for nine-one-one!
• It's like David and Goliath, only this time David won!
• Hey, just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand!
• Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.
• Marge, I'm going to miss you so much. And it's not just the sex. It's also the food preparation.
• You don't win friends with salad.
• You can't keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once, and move on.
• Trying is the first step towards failure.
• They have the Internet on computers now?
• Okay, brain. You don't like me, and I don't like you, but let's get through this thing and then I can continue killing you with beer.
• Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
• Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
• Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true!
• Do I know what rhetorical means?
• All right, let's not panic. I'll make the money by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one.
• Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an offering, I present these milk and cookies. If you wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign whatsoever... thy will be done. (munch munch munch)
• And how is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?
• If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can't speak English.
• I don't apologize. I am sorry Lisa, that's the way I am.
• Bart, a woman is like beer. They look good, they smell good, and you'd step over your own mother just to get one!
• God cannot be EVERYWHERE, right? ( Homer as Adam in a dream ).
• Bart, you're saying butt-kisser like it's a bad thing!
• To be loved, you have to be nice to others EVERYDAY!. To be hated, you don't have to do squat. ( advice to Mr.Burns ).
• Does whisky count as beer?
• Don't eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them.
• Don't mess with the dead, boy, they have eerie powers.
• Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
• God bless those pagans.
• Marge, your paintings look like the things they look like.
• What is a wedding? Webster's Dictionary defines a wedding as "The process of removing weeds from one's garden." ( giving a lecture on marriage ).
• Good drink ... good meat ... good God, let's eat!
• Heh Heh Heh! Lisa! Vampires are make believe, just like elves and gremlins and eskimos!
• Here's to alcohol : The cause of ... and answer to all of life's problems.
• I bet Einstein turned himself into all sorts of colors before he invented the light bulb.
• I hope I didn't brain my damage.
• I like my beer cold ... my TV loud ... and my homosexuals flaming.
• I saw this movie about a bus that had to SPEED around a city, keeping its SPEED over fifty, and if its SPEED dropped, it would explode! I think it was called, The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down.
• I think the saddest day of my life was when I realized I could beat my Dad at most things, and Bart experienced that at the age of four.
• I'm having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to not going to Church!
• I'm no supervising technician, I'm a technical supervisor.
• It's like something out of that twilighty show about that zone.
• It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to squeeze in 8 hours of TV a day.
• Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?
• Let us all bask in television's warm glowing warming glow.
• Lisa, stop that racket! I'm trying to fix your mother's camera. Easy, easy. I think I'll need a bigger drill.
• Shut up, Brain, or I'll stab you with a Q-tip!
• Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that alligator biting that woman's bottom? That's right, we all thought it was hilarious. But it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harassing that woman.
• Me lose brain? Uh, oh! Ha ha ha! Why I laugh?
• No, no, no, Lisa. If adults don't like their jobs, they don't go on strike. They just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American Way.
• Now Bart, since you broke Grandpa's teeth, he gets to break yours.
• When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie -- Spaceballs. But instead it was dark and disturbing like that movie, Police Academy.
• Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for Daddys, and kids with fake IDs.
• Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals ... except the weasel.
• If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers.
• I want to share something with you - the three sentences that will get you through life. Number one, 'cover for me. 'Number two, 'oh, good idea, boss. 'Number three, 'it was like that when I got here'.
• Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. 'Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population : you.
• We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well I didn't hear anybody laughin', did you?
• Nacho, nacho man. I want to be a nacho man.
• Television - teacher, mother, secret lover!
• If god didn't want me to eat in church, he would've made gluttony a sin.
• I felt a surge of power, like god must feel, when he's holding a gun.
• I know what is going on here. They did it to Jesus. Now they are doing it to me. Marge : Are you comparing yourself to our Lord? Homer : Only in bowling ability.
• Marge, are we Jewish? Marge: No, Homer. Homer: Wo-hooo!
• Bart : Gee ... Sorry for being born. Homer : I've been waiting for so long to hear that.
• Hey Flanders, it's no use praying. I already did the same thing, and we can't both win.
• Pffft, English. Who needs that. I'm never going to England.
• Bart : I am through with working. Working is for chumps. Homer : Son, I'm proud of you. I was twice your age before I figured that out.
• Lisa : It's not our fault our generation has short attention spans, Dad. We watch an appalling amount of TV. Homer : Don't you ever, EVER talk that way about television!
• Homer : Well, he's got all the money in the world, but there's one thing he can't buy. Marge : What's that? Homer : [thinks] A dinosaur.
• God : Thou hast forsaken My Church! Homer : Uh, kind-of ... b-but ... God : But what? Homer : I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell? God : [pause] Hmm ... You've got a point there.
• I will live to be 42. Oh, only 42 ?!? I won't even live to see my children die.
• Are you sure this is the Sci-Fi Convention? It's full of nerds!
• Marge : Homer, the plant called. They said if you don't show up tomorrow don't bother showing up on Monday. Homer : Woo-hoo! Four-day weekend!
• So I says, blue M&M, red M&M, they all wind up the same color in the end.
• Burns : And this must be ... (reading card) little Brat. Bart : Bart. Homer : Don’t correct the man, Brat.
• Marge : This is terrible! How will the kids get home? Homer : I dunno. The Internet?
• Marge : This should be a time ... for communication. Homer : That's a good idea, dear. Bart, turn on the TV.
• I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman!
• But I'm not a missionary! I don't even believe in Jebus! [Seconds later] Save me Jebus!
• Without TV, it is hard to know when one day ends and another begins.
  
  
  

Points to Ponder (ala Readers's Digest)...

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Drawing Conclusions

Ooooooohhhh... Finger lickin' good!

Office Lazing for Dummies

Thanks to Mark D. for this one :D... Ooooh... X marks the spot...